Thursday, June 27, 2024

Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Dad

Growing up in our household was like a roller coaster ride, what with slow suspenseful climbs, ups & downs, twists & turns, and brain-rattling rails and wooden supports of questionable construction. I can recall twice being so scared I thought I would die from nervousness if not at my father's hands. We always played outside, most often with the doors locked and orders not to try to come in until called in. One afternoon I thought it would be cool to set our garden hose to the ground and, while running full blast see how far into the ground it would go. I guess I let my little water drilling exercise go on a little longer than I should've and the hose ended up getting stuck, though I cannot recall how far down it'd gone. I felt like vomiting for what seemed at the time like hours until I finally somehow managed to pull that hose out. Yeah, something so stupid would've gotten me the beating of a lifetime. The other moment, which I believe went on for several days, was when I was forced to answer a phone call while my father stood feet away, always reluctant to answer calls himself due to who the fuck knows what. I wasn't even 12 at the time, and I tried my best to remember what the caller said (it was obviously someone who was owed money or something), and when I was unable to relay the message to my father who was now towering over me, he threatened me with my life if the guy didn't call back. 


What's that? My hour's up already? Okay, see you next week Doc.

Monday, June 17, 2024

A Note Left

 I've always felt like I won the lottery. I mean, I have a loving wife and daughter, an enviable job, more friends than I can give my rare sparetime to, and about as much control of my alcohol consumption as one could want. A fair portion of said friends envy my wealth and possessions.

Money has never been a problem, and my wife spends more on herself and our girl than most ever get to. Rufus, our Golden Retriever, adores me as I do him. My sleek black '24 Range Rover occupies our attached two-bay, surrounded by but safely distanced from my seldom-used DeWALT collection. Here's where things get sticky. They're getting too close. Investigating the latest discovery- my most recent mistake- and following a lead from an alleged eyewitness, the police are zeroing in. Oh sure, I haven't been questioned yet, but it's coming. I can feel it. What I thought was a stretch of lonesome former cattle path was popular with joggers and the like. I'd gotten lazy and didn't dig this one deep enough.
 Unable to feel remorse and regretting only that I was about to get caught, I felt the time was right. Goodbyes suck, so this will have to do. I'm sorry, Susie. You were the best. Jill, listen to your mom. Grow up to be the best. Rufus, don't worry, pal. Your mom will likely meet someone who'll love you almost as much as I did. God, past tense really hits home. My clock is ticking. My girls are off to visit the in-laws for the weekend. Fuck the garden hose; this calls for the leftover length of flexible foil dryer vent. See, I'm actually using some of my tools (if you consider duct tape a tool). I know this is chicken shit. I'm sorry, but only because I know Susie will be the one who finds me. Please don't hate me, Sue.

Thursday, February 22, 2024

Can't Make This Shit Up

So I created a post on a certain classified ad website looking for a cheap apartment where I might be able to trade my handyman skills for a reduced rent.  It took a week or so, but my first reply came from a male person being who said he had a house-share arrangement that he thought might work, but he wanted me to know up front that he favored walking around the house naked.  "As long as you're okay with that, maybe we can talk," he added.  He also added pictures. I threw up my trail mix and now I'm sad because I don't feel like replacing it.