The hands were what got me worked up the most. I know they've got to work with what they're given, but surely the embalming process pretty much does all the work. Am I wrong? Extreme decomposition can be challenging, I'm sure, but I didn't think this was the case. When I met two of my siblings and my brother's best friend in the funeral home's parking lot I'd asked for a few minutes on my own before they entered, a request they granted me. Nervously, I approached the casket, the tip of my youngest brother's nose now coming into view. As the remainder of his face met my stare I think I let out a breathe I wasn't aware I'd been holding. They did a great job with his face and hair, and his suit was meticulous. His hands, though, looked bloated, sausage-like. "Comfortably Numb" came to mind, that line in the first chorus, specifically. A sister, breaking our agreement, walked up behind me silently. "He looks good", she whispered. I'd cried a little, swiped at my eyes, said, "But, his hands-".
Flashback a few days. Another brother, oldest of what started out as eight of us, douche of douches, impatient, holier-than-thou, self-important, spouted, "Why should the fact that my brother took his own life inconvenience my employer?".* Getting back to work was furthest from my mind, but I guess others had different priorities. We were sitting in a large circle, the funeral director and our mother at the head. I wondered what mom felt when she heard her eldest spawn blurt such shit, cringed at what the director thought.
Flash forward a week or more- I don't remember. It's now been about 14 years if I'm not mistaken- the above mentioned sister and I were the only ones who, for closure or whatever the fuck reason, requested to see the photos the police took when they found my brother's body. It took some nerve but I sat at that desk for what seemed an eternity, staring at the image of him lying on his side, his hands under his cheek, eyes closed, like he'd just fallen asleep. Which, I suppose, was the case, only he'd had help.
- An excerpt from a memoir that'll likely never be written because I'm a lazy procrastinating fuck.
*Verbatim, I swear, in case this ever ends up in court.
I'm so sorry. I cannot even Imagine losing a Sibling, I only have the one, he's a Younger Brother who has been diagnosed as Terminal a long time but he's tenacious and outlived his alleged expiration date. The Man has already lost one Sibling, quite recently, but mostly to Old Age. How the End comes can be very difficult tho', no matter the details. How people react during a Crisis can be confusing, shocking, inappropriate... but I suppose each Grieves or Deals with difficult circumstances in their own peculiar ways. I'm not one to Cry or be overly Emotional, which some people think those of us who are Stoic are unfeeling, which is a harsh judgment. Your older Brother's Words seem seared in Pain and perhaps even Anger as I read them. How some Employers react to someone asking for Bereavement Leave can be so insensitive and lacking in compassion, a Trigger than when you're Emotionally Raw already, can really be explosive! Even tho' it's been long ago now, and I'm sure there's more Back Story that is Private and Painful, the Sorrow never truly goes away when we Lose someone Beloved. Virtual Hug.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Dawn. Oh, lots of back story indeed. In this brother's case it wasn't his employer's reaction, believe me. He's just a selfish prick. Always has been. Thanks for the hug, too, though enough time has passed where I hope this didn't seem like a call for sympathy.
DeleteHi, b.a.f.!
ReplyDeleteI am learning that most, perhaps all of the stories you post are fact-based and autobiographical. I too am very sorry to learn of your loss, the loss of your youngest brother as the result of suicide, and the painfully insensitive remark made to the entire family by your oldest brother. Perhaps, as Bohemian suggested, the words he blurted out were a defense mechanism triggered by his own anguish and stress. I don't know if I would have been brave enough to seek closure in the manner you described, especially examining the police photos at length. I still have unwanted flashbacks at having viewed my mother's lifeless body in the hospital ICU shortly after she died. My dad and I got the call around midnight and went directly to the hospital. Entering my mother's room, I was shocked to see her face contorted, frozen in a horrible expression of agony, her mouth wide open as if gasping for breath and her eyes wide open and staring at the ceiling. It was like a scene from a horror movie. That dreadful image has remained stuck in my head more than 25 years.
Again I am sorry for your loss and the fact that you have occasion to revisit that painful event in your life. I wish you a good week, my friend, if not a happy one.
Thank you, Shady. Your experience sounds horrid as well. I experienced something similar with my grandfather on his deathbed. The cold, asshole relatives left for the night, and some siblings and I watched as the life slipped out of him as he appeared to struggle for breath. I watched him take his last breath, watched as his pulse slowed then stopped. Something one doesn't forget easily. Stay well, and have a great weekend.
DeleteYou should write the memoir. It can be therapeutic and help you let things go.
ReplyDeleteWell thank you, Bathwater. I just might. It's all good by this point. I don't dwell on this shit.
DeleteI am very sorry for your loss and I'm sorry about your insensitive brother's remark. The pain from something like this never really goes away. I think you should write that memoir - and being new here I don't know, maybe this blog is your way of writing it a little bit at a time.
ReplyDeleteHate to admit it, but especially by now I look at it more as an outsider. Somehow, posting it here it seems more like someone else's story. Odd.
DeleteDistancing yourself seems natural. How better a way to maintain sanity? Best wishes.
DeleteSo sorry for your loss.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Christine.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for your loss. Something like that is never an easy thing to go through.
ReplyDeleteThanks, Mary, though to you and others- though I appreciate the sympathy this was not a cry for condolences. Simply a nonfiction slice of life.
DeleteThis piece was quite haunting due to the realistic details and emotional response. I've told you before I think you have great possibility with a memoir.
ReplyDeleteI appreciate that, Tom. As I occasionally glance through a stack of journal pages from this event all those years ago I give this advice some thought, but then shelve it.
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